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Halloween costume challenges have always been the norm for me. For one thing, I can never seem to find the time to put much if any consideration into “what I want to be” each year. The irony is that I actually spend close to 80% of my time considering “what I want to be” in general, but I hardly think at all about what I want to dress up like for Halloween. As a result, I end up whipping something up at the last minute, and that has resulted in some pretty strange ideas coming to life.

Halloween Costume Challenge: I’m Not a Middle-Aged Dude

One year, I actually dressed up as Columbo. Yes, Peter Faulk, Columbo. I can’t really say why except that at the time, I’d had some interest in being a detective; in real life, not just on Halloween. Or, not at all on Halloween, actually. I can’t recall how successful I was at pulling the Columbo Halloween costume off, but I do recall that I purchased a trench coat, wig, and hat, and during the hours before I went out that evening, I lowered my voice a couple of octaves and rehearsed the line “one more thing…”, while pretending to walk away and then coming back to my bathroom mirror. Surprisingly, I did not have to explain my costume to anyone. In other years, I’ve had a lot of explaining to do.

Halloween Costume Challenge: Still Gender Bending, Nothing Fabulous

Like the year that I was fascinated with the idea of a chic dressing up like a dude dressed like a lady. I had hoped to go full-on drag queen. Lacking anything fabulous enough for a queen in my wardrobe at the time, I cut pieces of synthetic hair off of a dark-colored wig and glued the pieces of hair to the sides of my face as sideburns, and to my armpits as well. I put on the fanciest dress I owned, lowered my voice a couple of octaves, gave myself the name “Carlata” and celebrated Halloween as just a regular everyday crossdresser. I thought I sounded a bit like Chris Farley. As Halloween costumes go, it was kinda scary to my husband at the time.

Pirates of the Caribbean Goatee & Mustache Adult
I wish I had known about ready-made goatees and mustaches sooner!

Halloween Costume Challenge: Not Who, but What!

Another year, I decided to go to the inanimate object route and dress as a table. It was just a few hours before I was to attend the symphony orchestra’s Halloween show when I remembered I needed to “be something”. Frantically searching my attic for “something”, I found a large piece of square cardboard. I cut a hole in it and rested it on my shoulders. I taped a curtain rod on either side to hold it all up, put a table cloth on it. I added some drink cups with orange construction paper and straws, a loaf of bread, and my head became a roll of paper towels with eyes cut out so I could see.

Halloween Costume Challenges
There’s a photo to prove this one!

I hadn’t realized that there would be a costume contest and had I known, I wouldn’t have thought I would win. The grand prize winner would get to conduct the symphony orchestra’s final song: In the Hall of the Mountain King”. Hours later I found myself on stage, in front of hundreds of people, acting as a symphony orchestra conductor, dressed as a table. Crazy, I know.

For a very long time, I wanted to be Beatrix Kiddo from Kill Bill. I can pull off the Uma Thurman look, but never could find a costume that fit right until I found this one! Though my night as Beatrix Kiddo was actually rather uneventful, and I was unusually comfortable, I recommend this costume to anyone who shares my desire to be a badass on Halloween:

Present Day Halloween

Well, I now realize that the whole thing is an excuse to wear my lingerie outdoors, so I guess I’m all set for this year! But I love Maude Lebowski, or, to be more accurate, I like to speak like Maude “I’m the one who stole your rug” Lebowski so this is an option right now:

The Big Lebowski Maude Viking Costume

The Big Lebowski Maude Viking Costume – $44.99

Maude Lebowski is many things. She’s a feminist, an artist, and apparently in The Dude’s mind, a brilliant Viking warrior! She shows up in a dream sequence wearing a shiny set of armor and now you can become Maude by wearing this officially licensed costume. The Big Lebowski Maude Viking Costume recreates the look from the Coen Brothers film. It comes with a glittering gold dress that recreates the style worn by Maude in the dream sequence. It features a foam bust, with bowling ball-shaped cups in front. The costume also comes with the horned helmet, which even has a pair of braided pigtails attached to the sides. Once you have it on, you can check in to see what condition The Dude’s condition is in!

Three weeks until Halloween, I hope you’ve already figured out “what you’re going to be this year so you can avoid any Halloween costume challenges yourself.

Happy Trick or Treating!

It’s almost time to decide on an ugly Christmas sweater. Here are some of the ugliest, most deranged Christmas sweaters I’ve seen yet:

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